Bi just picked me up from work. I must admit, it was a stressful day after having paid the company’s employee contributions for SSS, Philhealth and HDMF so my spirit’s not high. He initially planned to grab afternoon snacks but I wasn’t really in the mood. He then asked if I want to go somewhere but I refused going anywhere. I just feel like taking a rest. Out of the blue, he mentioned that he’ll just buy a PT on our way home since my monthly visitor hasn’t arrived yet. I simply replied, “No. We are both aware that you will again be disappointed.” But my words of discouragement didn’t stop him from purchasing that stuff from the drugstore. When we arrived in his place, he immediately ordered me to go to the blue house and get the test done which I reluctantly obeyed. I didn’t consider the possibility that the result I was expecting would turn out to be the opposite.
It didn’t take long for me to find that out. I already started crying the moment those two red lines appeared. Bi, who was waiting outside, frantically asked if I was okay. He didn’t wait for me to come out from the toilet. When I opened the door and he saw me crying, he just ran past me with big smile on his face. He wanted to see the result himself. Upon seeing it, he knew he was going to be a father. I curled up the bed and continued crying. Bi, on the other hand, was jumping for joy. He kept shouting, “Yes! Yes! Nakatao rin sa wakas!” He was so happy that I felt guilty because I kept crying. How can I be happy when I know in my heart my life will totally change now. I started thinking about my family especially mama, her dreams for me now shattered. She wanted me to leave Mindoro for good and try my luck in Manila while pursuing Law. Meanwhile, I was thinking about taking up DPA in UP instead of Law after my MA here. (I was quite ambitious you see) Those hopes mama has for me will now diminish and I fear to see her heart breaking again because of me. These thoughts kept me shedding tears while he started calling his friends to tell them the news. After about 6 different phone conversations, bi finally sat down to comfort me. He said he doesn’t want me crying because it might stress our child. He added that he/she is a great blessing and we should NEVER make him/her feel unwanted. He hugged me, looked at my then flat belly and put his ear on it, trying to hear if our young will pounce or kick.
I stopped crying, smiled and felt sorry for baby. Hurting him is something I would never want. I had my first check-up afterward, bought folic acid and ate Jollibee’s meatballs for snacks. After all, we found out about it the first day those meatballs were served in all Jollibee outlets nationwide.:) (February 7, 2011 — Monday, 3:30PM)
Dreams are ineffectual. Why do you have to continue dreaming for something better when everything and everyone else shame you? Yes, I am a total loser and I suppose you guys are totally happy to hear that. I had been a dork to believe in stupid fairy tales ages ago. I thought dreaming would give me hope. It did give me a sham hope in a box all adored with beautiful gift wrap. Watching it from afar had given me bliss. Even the mere glances at it made me ecstatic, making me feel like nothing is impossible. I always hesitate before opening a gift. Oftentimes, it’s taking me quite ages before I find courage to peek on what’s inside. But no, the very hope I was able to gain became useless the day I opened the box. It was a false hope, nothing but a stupid dream. I opened the box and saw nothing but emptiness, all lies. Where’s my hope? I cried until tears failed to come out. Everything is a lie until you believe it.
I used to dream that I can help make our lives better as it used to be once. But the ones who should shelter me with love and care, ironically, are the persons dragging me to my downfall. I’m tired of dreaming. I’ve had enough of endlessly getting hurt. I have no hope left. My life doesn’t count anymore. Soon, you, the very reason of my existence, will drown me in the pool of darkness. I am now preparing myself to that inevitable demise because time flies fast. It will be soon. Hope isn’t around anymore. Everyday that I’m walking, hope incessantly drifts away. It is slowly killing me.
God, all I need is divine intervention. Forgive me.
Sometime in early 2009
Enough of all these bullshits. I don’t wanna talk anymore. I would like to take my vow of silence once and for all. My life’s a total bore. Nobody could last a minute in this pathetic predicament I’m enduring for almost 20 years now. Call me a renegade, I dare you to say that. But no, you can never find any valid reason to associate that term with me. I am no rebel. I am no bummer. I did everything to make you happy but everything I did was never enough. Damn that bull**** belief that has poisoned your minds! Insensitive, that’s what both of you are now to us and with no sense of emphaty. Respect earns respect. Please learn to respect us too. Un bel niente! No matter how hard I try, peace is nowhere to find. Why is solace so elusive in our humble place? I just wanna fade away. If I can’t escape this no good authoritarian dungeon greatly influenced by that cruel cult, then I suppose I’ll be better off buried 6 feet under. That’s when I can only find peace. We’re all wounded and the only way to heal our wounds is if you’ll both turn your backs on them and return your hearts to us; the way it should be. Deplorable, that’s how I describe our life once you guys turned out to be ADDs!!! DAMN it!!
August 26th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
While sitting here right now and waiting for my ate and her new suitor(I guess?) to finish off their icky sweetie conversation and I can take my royal slumber(oh hail princess juj0!!), something hit my mind, a sense of nostalgia. It’s nothing much. I just kinda feel like missing the times when I was a cheery little cherub.
Well long before the Cretaceous period, I was pretty chubby. I was born this way, not fat, not skinny; chubby. Oh the sweet times of pure naivete. How I miss the times when all I gotta do is eat and sleep. Life’s a lot different now. I can no longer be laid-back without people putting a finger on it. I wonder when can I really feel much relaxed in the environment I’m moving around. Crap I’m bored, hurry up sissy!
July 5th, 2008 at 7:48 am
I know I’ve risked the thing that fills up my frustration the moment I took hold of something, on the other hand, that’s gonna get us (my sister and I) by for the next couple of months.
I knew this would happen. I’ve waited for this and I keep telling myself I’m long prepared. Funny thing was I didn’t expect and I have no idea that the problem I’d be facing sooner would be this BIG.
Which scores higher? Is it passion over practicality or otherwise? Let me put it this way and make your choice. How about expanding your view to a clearer horizon or sealing up yourself in a jar? The former makes a whole lot of sense. It might lead me to a better future, but its gonna take much of me leaving the latter.
Life is full of choices, choices that sometimes you can only pick once in a while and not simultaneously. But I can do both at the same time. So please, don’t make me choose between two things I value doing. Not this one, please.
Let me keep my passion.
Let me master my craft.
July 1st, 2008 at 8:49 pm
What we’ve lost
It’s almost a month since he left this world, since the day he passed away. I will always remember your cheerful smiles, heart-warming kisses and tight hugs. It’s been a couple of months since I’ve last felt that. You are the real life Santa Clause to every needy, a best friend to many.
I had a dream about our hometown week before you passed away. I can picture the place, my father’s old house as well as your hospitable place, but there’s something weird, I’m not seeing faces. The feeling gives me the idea that it’s an invitation for me to pay a visit. But I wasn’t able to consider the idea, knowing that it would be hard for me to leave this place even for a couple days time.
If only I knew what’s about to happen…
Would there be any difference? Would you still be here with us? Or the plan has been laid out long enough for us to adhere and accept the great change that might change most lives, even ours.
But we could have been there. I could have felt your warmth even for the last time. I’m so sorry my dear Tito Danny, so sorry that only papa made it there in your deathbed. It’s really painful to bear that you’re now gone. But the memories will forever linger, your noble deeds will forever be treasured.
My dearest Tito Danny, you will always be loved and remembered…
June 10th, 2008 at 4:53 am
Lost at words, heart with wounds. Trying to sort things out. Trying to come across the answers to every question by becoming a fugitive. She will see no one from the place that she’ll be leaving, a place she used to call home. Nobody’s home probably.
What’s become of her?
Possessing nothing but the stance of a young resolute lady, this damsel maintains walking in subtlety. Her delicate amble can’t shatter even the thinnest glass. But inside her, everything has already been shattered. All else had fallen off from their places. Slowly, she’s picking up the torn parts; trying to sew herself with care but still winces in pain. Such pain it is to persistently prick herself with the pointed needle and mend together all the broken pieces. Years of perplexity instilled in her so much pain. Nonetheless, it is through this she had also taught herself how to master enduring everything even those beyond her will.
You wouldn’t last a minute in her shoes. To stay unwavering, she has to keep herself frozen, a great need to be numb…
May 4th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
What lies underneath it all? What must have gotten into this young lass to lose her sanity and break down? The prim and proper lady to the eyes of most people, to the eyes of her mom. What went wrong? She is perfectly sane, a strong, independent woman who knows how to control her emotions.
Nothing is wrong with her. But the smiles, polite greetings, cheerful nods, they are but masks. A mask to conceal the sadness in her eyes. She prefers to walk in subtlety that even the thinnest glass won’t be shattered. But do you know what she’s keeping inside? She may be strong-willed, a young woman to many who hates all the real life dramas. But inside, she is just a child. Feeble, weak, crying when she can no longer held back the tears caused by something that has deeply moved her. Everyone’s like that and people just got to understand that.
Living in a world where people look up to your every move, it’s definitely not comforting. You can’t be yourself because you always have to consider what people might think about you and your actions. Now tell me, who would want to live with a life like that? Definitely not I.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:54 am
Breaking the habit of obeying rules isn’t really as bad as it seems. Yesterday I was able to decide things for myself and for others wherein the result turned out to be something perfectly appreciated. On my part, it is something to be proud of. To someone like me who adheres much to rules and can’t even decide on my own petty stuffs, I was so happy to have pulled things out that well. We did it for 37 hours!
Standing on my own, I’m gonna miss it. Thank you for that great experience you’ve let me feel, for settling in on matters not against my will. Up to now, I still can’t forget things, every details stored. I don’t want to forget anything either. I’m always trying to patch up ’til now what actually occurred during that special trip and bonding we’ve all had and enjoyed. I will miss UPLB, Pansol and SM Lipa this big!O_O
Honestly, it took much courage to set myself free from that fear always cowering in me. Now as I end this blog, I shall say again that breaking that habit of mine isn’t cruel at all especially because I know that in that particular brave move and decision I’ve done, it has made everyone definitely blissful including me.:)
February 1st, 2008 at 5:41 am
Sad things happen whenever my day’s about to arrive. November 12, my beloved lola Ett just had an accident. It was all too painful for us most especially for me who has been a lola’s gurl since infant hood. What hurts me most is that I couldn’t get there because of this stupid flu I have. Then came my day, I’m so ill. My time to visit lolo and lola by night time. My knees grew weak upon seeing my dear lola, I couldn’t believe myself that lola had a bad fall. I wish I could take the pain away and bare it with me. If only I could keep them safe, my lola safe. Thank goodness she’s alright now. Keep safe.
For the first in Philippine Congress’ History, an explosion occurred taking the lives of a congressman and an aid. Pretty much laxness on the security’s part I’d say. But whoa, it happened on my day.
November 13th, 2007 at 9:06 pm