I was going to kiss my baby Evo goodbye when I saw his eyes fixated on the laptop placed by mommy near his crib. The music as well as the cartoons dancing before his eyes absolutely enthralled him. How attentively he listens on the nursery songs playing. He was so engrossed that he barely noticed me when I approached him to pat a gently kiss on his fluffy cheek. Oh how I miss the feel of his soft, plump, and smooth skin. Having flu last Sunday not only put me on a bedrest the entire day, it also banned me from kissing my son for days. By Monday, I had not recovered yet so I left without touching my little Evo. I didn’t want him to catch colds so we only played for a short while that day.
I didn’t want to leave home this morning. The sight of Evo acting if he is a captive trying to escape from being trapped in his cell (his crib) while keen on watching baby nursery videos is too irresistible. I just wanted to hold him, to sing for him his favorite phonics and numbers for the rest of the day. But I had to endure my longing; one last glimpse at Evo and then I left. On a regular day, I spend more time working in the office than playing with my baby. My thoughts are always occupied by him though. I always wonder how he was doing, did he finally say his first real word, can he sit now on his own? I feel sad when I think of not being the first to see his baby milestones only because I wasn’t home. I cannot tell when was the first time he baby-talked because I went back to work shortly after his third month. Even though bi kept telling me before to resign in my office of three years, I returned following the lapse of my maternity leave for practical or rather selfish reasons. And the opportunity cost has started taking its toll too since then. First, Evo started ignoring me at times. He’d rather bite his fingers than respond to me. I missed his longing for me. Next, transferring from Filipiniana office to ORMECO stopped me from going home during lunchtime to breastfeed him. This made Evo dependent on formula milk alone, thus draining my breast milk supply. I wanted to breastfeed him but can no longer perform this motherly task. Third, he had to move to and from different homes and nannies from time to time like my mama, tita Bless and lola Ett, mommy and daddy just to be taken good care of while bi & I are at work. Frequent change in his environment and his teething period I suppose had made my darling Evo sickly. He was even confined due to diarrhea merely two weeks ago, and has taken medications too plenty for his age just to recover. Whenever I come home every afternoon, he is either asleep or playing in his mommy lola’s bedroom. Then I would cradle him in my arms, look at those beautiful eyes, and express how sorry I was for my absence; how much I have missed him. Evo would smile back at me as if to say, “Mommy, I forgive you. I missed you too.”
I love my son so dearly. He resembles more of me as an infant except for his a bit chinky eyes, long permed lashes, and teeth-like gums. I think about resigning to be able to solely devote my time for him. But the thought of wholly depending our expenses on bi scares me. His tendency to nag about finances sometimes abhors me terribly. Then I think about my sister too. Had I resigned earlier, ate Gzeth could have relieved or assumed my position and not left for Bohol anymore. I have my reasons why I cannot resign just yet. Despite all of it, I still hope that one day I will find a home-based job with a lucrative pay or hit jackpot in the lottery so that I can give up my work as an employee. Either of the two will allow me to cuddle my bundle of joy whenever I want to.